My Spiritual Journey: Finding My Inner To-Do List

I take this yoga class, where we spend the last ten minutes of each class meditating. In theory, it is my favorite part of the class. The bad (exercise) part is over, and we get to just lie there, renewing our minds and spirits. There's only one problem--I can't, FOR THE LIFE OF ME, clear my head properly, so all that quiet visualization crap can work its magic. This is a typical conversation I have with myself, played out in my head, each Thursday morning...

"What all do I need to get accomplished today?"

"It doesn't matter now. You can worry about it later. You need to clear your head."

"Ugh, that lady next to me got a pretty intimate shot of my Downward Dog. Surely she's not offended by my sweaty crotch."

"Shut up. You have to let your mind go completely blank."

"But you know my crotch HAS to be sweaty. And besides, I can't do blank. Maybe if I picture someplace peaceful and calm."

"Yes, like a field of flowers with a stream cutting through it."

"Okay, yes... green grass, calm stream... Wait, is that my chiropractor canoeing through the stream?!?!"

"Maybe just picture the blue sky. Forget the stream."

"Okay, blue sky. Bright sun... Why is my son's face smiling evilly back at me, like that godforsaken Teletubbies sun-baby? Do you think he's sorry for how he acted this morning? "

"Look, if you want to truly get the benefit of this, you are going to have to clear your head!"

"Okay, okay. But remind me I have GOT to go to the grocery store today."

"Will do... Now concentrate on NOT concentrating..."

"I can't forget to swing by Target, either."

"Fine. Enough. Shhh..."

"Is that a cell phone ringing?? The nerve of some people!"

"Quit being so judgmental. Maybe if you would get this whole meditating thing, your newfound inner peace would make you a better person."

"You are so right. I am a bad person. I really need to get back in touch with my spiritual side."

"No kidding. Time's up... Back to the real world."

"Now what all did I need to do today???"