Friday, July 31, 2009

Drug Me Now: A Mother in Crisis

I haven't cleaned a nebulizer, yelled at Moody Teen to do his chest PT, nor fought with the insurance company in a week, and I have to say it feels, well... strange. All the cumbersome medical equipment is kind of piled up in the corner and the meds shoved to the back of the fridge. Life is awfully quiet, and seemingly stress-free. Normal, perhaps. Is this what normal feels like?

But not jumping through the medical hoops and listening for a cough means my sweet, big boy is gone... Out of my care and my reach. Off to the mountain-top, skiing and jumping and living a teen's life without a care. It's probably a welcomed break for him. His usual daily medicine cut down to the very bare minimum. But just for the week. One week to basically be just like everyone else. To be normal.

He's not homesick... He's loving it. Off by himself, meeting new people and trying new things. His health is in his own hands... completely out of my control. A preview of things to come? The man he's going to become?

As freeing as it is for me, I have to confess that I am a mess. Somebody just put me on a Diprivan drip now, and keep it running for the next 50 years. I want to take care of him forever, but I know that's weird and wrong. Did I mention that normal is not all it's cracked up to be?

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Where's Chris Mann When You Need Him?

You've probably read that "there wasn't a dry eye in the house," while the keynote speakers bared their souls at BlogHer. Well, yes there was. There was one. Actually two. Mine. My eyes were dry. Not a tear to be shed... Not even a slight welling. But to say I wasn't moved isn't entirely accurate. I was moved... eventually. But before you delete me out of your life with indignant outrage, let me try to explain.

The weekend at BlogHer took me utterly and completely off-guard. I had no expectations because, in the weeks prior, there was absolutely no time to think about it. I didn't blog. I didn't twitter. I didn't email. I was offline and living large. In retrospect, not such a great move. I felt fairly detached, and was operating in "observer" mode most of the first day. Blog names sounded vaguely familiar. Avatars, transformed into friendly faces, were a blur. Introductions didn't mean what I thought they would. I was confused.

Day two was a bit better, but I was still overwhelmed. It took everything I had to take it all in. There were lots of blog-unrelated laughs with the handful of women with whom I felt a connection. Easy conversation, easy silences. No need to get every word in, because there would be time later... when the weekend was over, and the actual fostering of relationships could begin.

I spent my days wandering in and out of various lectures and panels, learning about SEO, CPMs, and the apparent apocalyptic arrival of the FTC on my blog's doorstep (who knew?). I finally "came to" in a nondescript chair in the last, nondescript room in a dark, nondescript hallway in the unbearably nondescript basement of the whole damn hotel. I had landed in a sweet little nest of writers, all of whom wanted to talk about the craziest thing at a blogging convention... writing. The panelists began their not-very-thought-out, but very-well-intentioned schtick, which quickly evolved into a fun, smart, intimate and nurturing conversation between us all. It dawned on me that I was in the right place, and walking away with the knowledge that I am, metaphorically speaking, where I really should be, was exactly what I needed to learn.

The puzzle pieces all sort of assembled themselves for me on the plane ride home. The emotion, the connections, the glitz, the baby-wearing, the swag-handling, the reality of it all suddenly took over, and I finally shed those tears that I held so deep inside, unable to release in front of the lovely, crazy, smart, funny, wonderful people I encountered over the weekend.

And then I wanted a "do-over". I wanted to relive the weekend, better in touch with my own soul... But, I guess I'll just have to wait until next year.

Monday, July 27, 2009

What I've Learned...

Well hello.

The reunion, the explanation for my absence, the gossip from BlogHer '09, and the very important update on my greying roots will all have to wait.

What I have learned today that needs immediate attention is this:

Despite all indication otherwise, one can miss a stinky, silly, immature, belligerent, petulant, manic, perverted 15 year old boy more than a heart can stand.