Monday, April 27, 2009

Family Ties

Nothing like someone else's brush with death to teach you a thing or two about yourself. Now let's see how long I actually ponder these lessons before I back-burner them, and get caught up in the chaos and buzz of daily life. I give myself a month. And that's being très generous. Most likely, I will be complaining about some everyday nothingness by week's end.

I think someone more spiritual, or more perceptive, or maybe just smarter, would be all over these signs and incidents and feelings beating me over the head. I am just getting more confused.

My brother, with whom I am not very close, is suddenly extremely ill. Like ICU, intubation, kidneys failing, kind of ill. My gut reaction was guilt (of course), nausea and sadness. But none of that lasted very long, and I've gone into some sort of 'third party' mode, where I am being very rational and objective about the whole thing. 

Except the part about my mother. Even during this awful awfulness, she is driving me nuts. In my robotic neutral mode, I feel for her, and I know this must be heart wrenching. After all, isn't this the EXACT thing I feel like I'm destined to face? The one thing that keeps me awake at night? Worrying I will have to watch my beautiful, moody, maddening boy die? Where's my compassion? It's all mixed in with the annoyance I feel about her little digs toward my sister-in-law, and the way I feel she's, on one hand, acting like my brother is on death's door, yet on the other hand, playing a game with the actual information. AND HOW SICK AM I to even be paying attention to my mom's constant martyr, attention-seeking behavior??? 

Ultimately, I want to be a good example for my boys. I want them to see how family is there for each other. But that lesson started years ago. That's one thing I really recognized that I wanted for them early on. Perhaps because I didn't have a close relationship with my brother. And it makes it really hard now to just kind of jump into action and "go home," when I am closer to my mailman than I am to my family.

My boys love being around each other. They miss each other when one is gone for even an afternoon. They play together. They fight, and then apologize, unprompted. They share. They laugh and tell each other secrets. They help each other and show each other new skateboard tricks. They stick up for each other. They love each other, although they sure can bicker like two old women. No one makes one of them madder than the other. But then it passes, and they talk it out. Feelings aired. Wounds mended. In their own, bizarro teen, but honest and open way.

They are so ahead of me on this. I should be taking my cues from them. Please God, let it last forever. 

25 comments:

Kristina P. said...

Deb, I'm really sorry to hear about your brother.

I realized today that I need to be in better touch with my family, especially with my grandparents, as you never know how long you have with them.

Nobody's Girl said...

All I can say is, go with it. Let it go. Sounds stupid, right? I'm here though...you know that, sister.

Lee of MWOB said...

dude all I know is that family dynamics are so insane....I still don't understand them. I can be so friggin' annoyed at my parents for all kinds of stuff and then some time will pass and the wind will blow a certain way and I can totally feel a different way.

I don't need to ramble here but after reading this post, what struck me is that you, Deb, as a wife and mother, as queen of your little empire in your home, you are so awesome. YOU have created that atmosphere where your boys are thriving and loving each other and bickering and communicating and missing one another....YOU have done that. (and your man too I guess. :-) )

So the same YOU that gets all annoyed and overanalyzes every little feeling with your mother and feels guilty about all kinds of family stuff is the same person that has obviously created this incredible scene at YOUR home.

So give yourself some props in that regard ... at least that. That's what I'm seeing right now....

I could ramble on but I won't - thinking of you. And more later perhaps....

Lee

Annie said...

Oh, Debbie. When it rains, it pours.

Is this a completely sudden random thing, or was he ill?

Wendyburd1 said...

Does the bro need a new kidney?
I know, I miss my pain in the butt sisters when they are gone for more than a day, but am not as close to my brother with him being so far away for over 10 years now.

Summer said...

Aw, Deb. You're an awesome mom...and I can completely {as always} relate. I am constantly trying to be different, be better for my kids.

Hang in there...

I'm here for ya.

Now now, doesn't that make you feel better?

Sera said...

Aw, Deb. I'm so sorry about your brother. And about the stuff with your mom. I don't really know what else to say, except that you've done an incredible job with your boys, and it sounds like they have such an amazing bond.

Soxy Deb said...

And then perhaps you are not dealing well with the situation with your brother BECAUSE you worry you will have to deal with this scenario one day. Too close for comfort?

The only thing I can say is, yes I know what it's like to have mother issues. Trust that. I know what it's like to have a sick brother. But when the chips are down Deb, all we do have is each other. No matter the relationship, you will kick yourself in the arse one day if you don't allow yourself to be "present" for your family right now. Warts and all.

Tiaras and Tantrums said...

I am not one to give advice since I have not spoken to my crazy mother in over 20 years. I have a really crappy arse older brother that I haven't spoken to in an even longer time (he's a total loser and a fuck tard and MEAN spirited). I can say this with a very clear conscience . . . if either of them were on their death bed. I WOULD NOT BLINK AN EYE! Their nonsense does not effect me. I have moved on from the chaos of them!

That being said . . . your childrens behavior is the result of YOU being a fantastic mom. I HOPE beyond all hopes that my children treat each other with as much respect as I hear in your words!

CaJoh said...

Everybody handles stress differently. I find it disturbing that I handle serious situations such as illness and death with eloquence, yet get all stressed out over little things like does so and so even like me.

We all have our coping mechanisms and you shouldn't be worried about how you react to a given situation. It is good that you see how you behave and are able to express yourself so that others can see what you are experiencing.

Reading the other comments it is clear that you have an excellent support network who you can lean upon now that you feel unbalanced. Just know we are with you even though we can't actually be there physically.

jori-o said...

Grown up relationships are so...weird. You shouldn't feel bad that your mom is driving you bananas. Obviously she is acting inappropriate. And you SHOULD be proud of your boys!

Jenners said...

You can't manufacture feelings that you don't have. I can relate a bit to what you say ... I'm not very close to my family (partly geography and partly we just don't "roll" that way). But with my son, I've been trying to make more of an effort (hence my upcoming family reunion vacation).

And if your boys have the bond now, they'll have it forever.

Good luck dealing with a crappy situation.

Denise @ Sunflowers, Chocolate and Little Boys said...

Sorry to hear that your brother is sick. I am not close to my brother either....and havent seen him in years. I dont know how I would feel if he became sick...that must be weird. I know I should care more about him....but sometimes it just isnt there. Im thinking that is what your going through. And I love that your boys are so close. that is EXACTLY how I want my boys to be....best friends. Thanks for giving me hope :-)

Tony@ That One Paticular Harbor said...

Sorry to hear that your brother is sick.
I do not think I can say it any better than CaJoh. As you know I got your back. Keep your chin up girl.

Heather of the EO said...

Ugh, no matter how unclose we are with siblings, it's still really hard. I'm sorry.

And I'm so with you on wanting to teach my boys a different family dynamic than the one that is my past.

And isn't it funny how we learn so much from our children, when we thought WE would be doing all the teaching?

Under the Influence said...

I'm with you on that mom scenario. Unfortunately, I don't have any words of wisdom because of it.

Harlene said...

Nothing but empathy and compassion here-I wish I had some other words of wisdom, but I really like what Lee of MWOB had to say.

Not that I'm trying to top you on this one, but my crazy self absorbed mom LIVES with us.

I really should swing by for lunch!

Mary@Holy Mackerel said...

Yes, I hope your sons' relationship lasts forever. It will.

And I'm very very sorry about your brother. I hope he gets better soon...

Family is a very difficult thing at times, very complex.

Em said...

Oh Deb - all your comments have been so spot on, and Lee really hit home the point that struck me so while reading your post - your sweet boys!! That is ALL parenting my dear.

Parents and siblings - what can I say? Absolutely nothing that would be helpful, other than your genuine spirit makes me think (know) that you have done all that you can. You cannot change people, only your reaction to them. Be there for your sister-in-law, and let the rest be, for now.

Thinking of you and your brother - E

jill jill bo bill said...

I am so sorry about your bro! I agree with Deb though. Go and be with your family that you don't like and show the family you love that family sticks together, even if they are creeps. I love you, girl and am here for you!!!

jsprik said...

wow,that's quite the post deb!!! i feel for you, i really do!! i haven't lost a sibling, but i have lost a child....its' difficult and family members can be a source of stress!! just go with the flow and if something bothers you , tell them!! thats the only way to keep your sanity!! oh, and i have to tell you, you are such a good mom!!

Lindsay said...

Your mom sounds like my aunt...

That is truly amazing that your sons have that kind of relationship. I wish I could have had that kind of relationship with my brother, but alas it was simply not to be. We're a little closer than we used to be, but mostly we're like passing ships in the night...even though we only live two miles away! I hope that my Livers will have that with any siblings she has one day.

Brenda Jean said...

Deb-how you cope with moody teen's illness never ceases to amaze me. I THINK I would be able to handle it like you do, but I'm not sure. Since we are so much alike I'm guessing you take one day at a time and try not to lose it because he needs you to be that way. That said, I can SO understand your feelings about your mom. My grandmother was much like you are describing and I didn't have much contact with her once given a choice. I saw her treat my dad SO badly in her bid for attention and drama. I just couldn't make myself be around her. Many judge me, but I just shrug. I'm fortunate that my mom is not like that. I can't imagine if she was. I am sure I would feel just like you do. I'm sorry that she can't at least try to see what it must be like for you. {{{HUGS}}}

ed said...

A片,A片,A片,A片,A片,A片情趣用品,情趣,A片,AIO,AV,AV女優,A漫,免費A片,AIO交友愛情館,愛情公寓,情色,情色貼圖,色情小說,情色小說,情色文學,色情,寄情築園小遊戲,色情遊戲,嘟嘟情人色網,一葉情貼圖片區,情色論壇,色情影片,微風成人,嘟嘟成人網,成人,18成人,成人影城,成人圖片區,成人圖片,成人貼圖,UT聊天室,聊天室,豆豆聊天室,哈啦聊天室,尋夢園聊天室,聊天室尋夢園,視訊聊天室,視訊聊天

麻將,台灣彩卷,六合彩開獎號碼,運動彩卷,六合彩,線上遊戲,矽谷麻將,明星3缺一,橘子町,麻將大悶鍋,台客麻將,公博,game,,中華職棒,麗的線上小遊戲,國士無雙麻將,麻將館,賭博遊戲,威力彩,威力彩開獎號碼,龍龍運動網,史萊姆,史萊姆好玩遊戲,史萊姆第一個家,史萊姆好玩遊戲區,樂透彩開獎號碼,遊戲天堂,好玩遊戲,遊戲基地,無料遊戲王,好玩遊戲區,麻將遊戲,好玩遊戲區,小遊戲,遊戲區,電玩快打,cs online情趣用品,情趣,情趣商品,A片,AIO交友愛情館,AIOAV女優,AV,A漫,免費A片,本土自拍,自拍,愛情公寓,情色,情色貼圖,色情小說,情色小說,情色文學,色情,寄情築園小遊戲,色情遊戲,色情影片,情色網,色情網站,微風成人區,微風成人,嘟嘟成人網,成人,18成人,成人影城,成人圖片區,成人圖片,成人貼圖,成人文章,成人小說,UT聊天室,聊天室,豆豆聊天室,哈啦聊天室,尋夢園聊天室,聊天室尋夢園,080中部人聊天室,080聊天室,中部人聊天室,080苗栗人聊天室,苗栗人聊天室,免費視訊聊天,免費視訊,視訊聊天室,視訊聊天情趣用品,情趣,情趣商品,愛情公寓,情色,情色貼圖,色情小說,情色小說,情色文學,色情,寄情築園小遊戲,色情遊戲,AIO交友愛情館,一葉情貼圖片區,情色論壇,色情影片,色情網站,微風成人區,微風成人,嘟嘟成人網,成人,18成人,成人影城,成人圖片,成人貼圖,成人圖片區,成人文章,成人小說,A片,AV女優,AV,A漫,免費A片,自拍,UT聊天室,聊天室,豆豆聊天室,哈啦聊天室,尋夢園聊天室,聊天室尋夢園,080中部人聊天室,080聊天室,080苗栗人聊天室情趣用品,情趣,情趣商品,愛情公寓,情色,情色貼圖,色情小說,情色小說,情色文學,色情,做愛,寄情築園小遊戲,色情遊戲,AIO交友愛情館,AIO,色情影片,情色網,微風成人,嘟嘟成人網,成人,18成人,成人影城,成人圖片,成人貼圖,成人圖片區,成人文章,成人小說,成人電影,麗的色遊戲,自拍,A片,AV女優,AV,A漫,視訊交友網,視訊,視訊交友,免費視訊聊天室,免費視訊,視訊聊天,視訊聊天室,UT聊天室,聊天室,豆豆聊天室,哈啦聊天室,尋夢園聊天室,聊天室尋夢園,中古車,二手車情色貼圖,日本A片,A片下載,情色A片,AV女優,A漫,免費A片,微風成人,成人網站,成人光碟,嘟嘟成人網,成人,成人影城A片,A片,A片下載,做愛,成人電影,18成人,日本A片,情色小說,情色電影,成人影城,自拍,情色論壇,成人論壇,情色貼圖,情色,免費A片,成人,成人光碟

小貓咪 said...

情趣用品,情趣,080視訊聊天室,免費視訊聊天,哈啦聊天室,視訊聊天,080聊天室,080苗栗人聊天室,6k聊天室,視訊聊天室,成人聊天室,中部人聊天室,免費視訊,視訊交友,視訊美女,視訊做愛,正妹牆,美女交友,玩美女人,美女,美女寫真,美女遊戲,hi5,hilive,hi5 tv,a383,微風論壇,微風,伊莉,伊莉討論區,伊莉論壇,sogo論壇,台灣論壇,plus論壇,plus,痴漢論壇,維克斯論壇,情色論壇,性愛,性感影片,校園正妹牆,正妹,AV,AV女優,SEX,走光,a片,a片免費看,A漫,h漫,成人漫畫,免費A片,色情網站,色情遊戲,情色文學,麗的色遊戲,色情,色情影片,同志色教館,色色網,色遊戲,自拍,本土自拍,kk俱樂部,後宮電影院,後宮電影,85cc免費影城,85cc免費影片,免費影片,免費小遊戲,免費遊戲,小遊戲,遊戲,好玩遊戲,好玩遊戲區,A片,情趣用品,遊戲區,史萊姆好玩遊戲,史萊姆,遊戲基地,線上遊戲,色情遊戲,遊戲口袋