The Absolute Pits

Is that what this is all about? Are we all on here to hold each other's hands while things just fall apart? The old die, the healthy die, the little ones get sick, the sick ones hurt, and we all sit at our computers and watch? We watch and pray and, then what? Do our words of comfort really help, or do they just help us? What do we take away from it all? Realization that we are lucky? But what does that mean? And what if we aren't lucky? My God, someone reading about a sick baby one day, and kissing their kids goodnight could be facing the same damn thing not 24 hours later. A car wreck, a blood test, a fall on the green slope, for crying out loud.

The whole reason I started blogging was to face my fears head on. Say (well, type) the words that have been spinning around in my head for 15 years now. Almost exactly 15 years. The words that the "real" people in my life don't want to hear, or shouldn't have to hear. Barring a miracle, I will have to watch my son die. I will have to hold his hand, stroke his blonde hair and tell him goodbye. And then somehow, pick up the pieces and continue to live. But it's not my time right now, and God willing, it won't be for a long, long, long time. It seems to be just about everyone else's time, though. Loss everywhere I look, making me, somehow, one of the lucky ones. Now how silly am I for even thinking about myself or my distant sadness when everybody, everybody, is hurting so very badly?

I'm confused and sad... not really sad for me, but for all of us. But I am not going to walk away. I am not sure what I can do or what it all means. I don't know...