Wednesday, March 25, 2009

The Absolute Pits

Is that what this is all about? Are we all on here to hold each other's hands while things just fall apart? The old die, the healthy die, the little ones get sick, the sick ones hurt, and we all sit at our computers and watch? We watch and pray and, then what? Do our words of comfort really help, or do they just help us? What do we take away from it all? Realization that we are lucky? But what does that mean? And what if we aren't lucky? My God, someone reading about a sick baby one day, and kissing their kids goodnight could be facing the same damn thing not 24 hours later. A car wreck, a blood test, a fall on the green slope, for crying out loud.

The whole reason I started blogging was to face my fears head on. Say (well, type) the words that have been spinning around in my head for 15 years now. Almost exactly 15 years. The words that the "real" people in my life don't want to hear, or shouldn't have to hear. Barring a miracle, I will have to watch my son die. I will have to hold his hand, stroke his blonde hair and tell him goodbye. And then somehow, pick up the pieces and continue to live. But it's not my time right now, and God willing, it won't be for a long, long, long time. It seems to be just about everyone else's time, though. Loss everywhere I look, making me, somehow, one of the lucky ones. Now how silly am I for even thinking about myself or my distant sadness when everybody, everybody, is hurting so very badly?

I'm confused and sad... not really sad for me, but for all of us. But I am not going to walk away. I am not sure what I can do or what it all means. I don't know...

54 comments:

Kristina P. said...

I'm just thinking about you, Deb.

Halftime Lessons said...

I'm sorry you're low.

I'm thinking of you, and am here if you need a distant friend.

Jay

Tabitha in Bliss said...

I'm here for you Deb. I know its confusing. If you need an ear I'm around.

Young Momma said...

I know what you mean. It's so sad. To read about sick babies and parents in mourning. Or children losing their parents. It's just sad. I think about you and your son often. I can't imagine how hard it may be. I think of Kori, whose hubs is 40+ years old with CF and dying of cancer. It's just heart breaking.

All I can do is pray. A lot.

Just so you know - you're words (as most of my commenters) are very comforting. :) (((hugs)))

Harlene said...

I've experienced this before as well, I call it "survivor guilt". Sometimes blessings can be overwhelming too. I'm sorry we all take turns with this, I am glad it's not your turn right now.

Love ya!

Under the Influence said...

Some days it just doesn't all make sense, does it?

Tony@ That One Paticular Harbor said...

I too am thinking of you. Thank you fro being there for me the other day. None of these things of which you speak are easy to deal with. I guess that is why we have friends, to hopefully help us navigate through some of these trials and trails.

Beadiful Things said...

It's so true. We are all just a nanosecond from disaster. Which doesn't make "preparing for it" any easier for you. :-(

Jenn@mylifewiththecrazies said...

Oh Deb.. Am thinking of you today.. wishing I could take away your pain and all the hurt.

Debbie said...

It is a tough week for so many on here. I'm sorry you are feeling so bad.

stefanie said...

Deb,

I think there is a dual purpose in writing here in blogland. It does help ourselves and it does help others.

Whether it's a comment or a post. Whether it's a flood of comments or single one. Whether it's a post read by hundreds or only read by the writer. Whether we share hard won wisdom or whether we reveal deep fears or laugh or cry or get mad.

So sorry you are hurting right now. I'm glad you have the courage to write it.

Jenni Jiggety said...

Sending good thoughts your way, Deb...

Beth said...

This is deep stuff. You are right. There is a lot of hurt in the world. But there is also a lot of beauty and laughter and chill bump moments. I'd like to think the good totally out weighs the bad.

I've not had a child with a serious illness so I won't pretend I know what you feel. But I have lost a father to cancer and a brother to AIDS (both were 36). Watching them suffer through their illness was not easy. However, the majority of my memories are about how we lived.

I'm here for you if you need me. All I need is a reason to go to Texas.

The Frugal Angel-Guided Psychic said...

All my love~

Brenda Jean said...

I wish I had some words of wisdom for you. I will just say that I'll be here for you when you need me--even if it's just to tell you how cool you are:) Sometimes that's all we need to hear I think.

Don Mills Diva said...

None of it makes sense. But I find that it does help to reach out and have people reach out to me...it's all we have when it comes right down to it, isn't it?

I hope you find some comfort in the thoughts of love expressed here.

Sticky (not too) said...

love to you...

Sera said...

Deb, I am just so sorry. I don't even know what to say. I'm just sorry. ((((HUG))))

Sally's World said...

I know life is sad, and it certainly doesn't make sense, i have struggled for years, my only advice, the way I live, and certainly coped with knowing we would lose Aaron one day, is to live for now, i always said, he's here now, that is waht matters.

I feel you pain, i hope you find some comfort and support. There is never 'no hope' with love xxxx

Brenda Jean said...

I hope you feel a little better today. I've been thinking about you:) {{{HUGS}}}

Eudae-Mamia said...

Oh Deb. These thoughts have been running through my brain for a while. When I came to bloggyland and discovered so much struggle I initally felt buoyed by all the stories. As humans, we are not alone in our challenges.

But now I just want to know, does any lucky soul make it through this world unscathed?

Hugs to you my Angel. You're in my prayers. E

Soxy Deb said...

Aw Deb, I'm so sorry. The sadness in your words is profound.
If there is anything I can do, how lame that really sounds, but if there is anything, let me know.

Love and Hugs

CaJoh said...

Good for you that you can take on your fears head on. What I find difficult is that so often we don't know what to do or say. I am getting better at being supportive, but comforting is still a big challenge for me.

Here's the closing line to one of my poems about fear:
So get going, get out of that grip of fear
which may last for years and years

Be good and take care,

Jenners said...

Oh Deb. It is hard and confusing and difficult and so many times reading about these sad, sad, horrible stories I think "There but for the grace of God go I." There are no answers or solutions. I wish I could give you some. I wish I could make the world a happy, safe and joyous place for everybody. Hang in there. Give your loved ones a hug and hold them close. Be there now so when they aren't there someday, you'll never thing "I should have..." "I wish I'd..." Wishing you the best and some peace in this low time for you.

mommaof4wife2r said...

i feel you, girl. there's been so much death and sadness...sometimes i have to look forward and not backward...you know what i mean? i mean, you guys have tuesday's tribute and others have started many other thing to honor these fams and kids...and that's all a really good thing in spite of the terrible and poopy mess. sorry it's a down time...i've some of those lately too, i'm not gonna lie.

Straight to Your Hart said...

Deb...I don't know what has your sweet heart down..so a prayer is being sent your way...and to whoever else needs it. Wish I was there to sit and talk with you. I thank the Lord everyday for His tender mercy on my struggling mind and heart...may that sweetness surround you...Hugs <3

jsprik said...

what a post!! i lost my son 4 1/2 years ago and it is still hard, but we make it day by day and you will too!! here for you if you need to talk or rant or cry or whatever!!! take care!!

Samantha said...

You have taken the thoughts right out of my head.... I dont think i was arare o fall this pain and sadness before i discovered a couple of blogs. But through one you find others and I have to say, it overwhelmes me. It is overwhelming to me that so SO many children are out there fighting for their lives, that so many mothers are saying goodbye to their babies. It shouldnt be this way. i know that dying is a part of life, but it is so unnatural for a child to die... It haunts my dreams and my waking thoughts.... but it has made me a better person, i think. I can no longer pretend the world is perfect. There are causes out there that need fighting for.

My prayer list is so long... all children too. It shouldn't be that way...

I hope you are feeling better. I know it takes a while to get out of this funk, because you can not forget... But you are not alone...

The Mom Jen said...

my mind works like yours! thinking about you today!!*hug*

BenLand said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
kel said...

Oh honey... ((hugs)). I wish I knew what to say.

BenLand said...

so sorry.....
thinking and praying for you.

Girl Friday said...

You just proved my theory wrong. There ARE original thoughts out there. You inspire. Try to remember the power of the Universe and all it holds for us. I'm here for you, chica.

Krystyn said...

It is all very sad, and confusing and overwhelming. I find prayer helps.

Jen said...

Life is something else. It just doesn't make sense. I truly hope that you find the comfort that you need.

jill jill bo bill said...

I hope you know how much I love you and am here for you for to scream and cuss and laugh with. You have already been a huge inspiration to so many people who have ill kids and I know without a doubt you will continue to be just that.
I think you should just move in with me. Load everyone up and come on.
Love you so!!!!

April said...

Life is so fragile. I'm praying for your miracle.

Annie said...

Big hugs.....

Ginger said...

Hi Deb:
I haven't been reading your blog long enough to know about your son and what his illness is. It just sounds like you are very sad today.
Hang in there.
Ginger

Life with Kaishon said...

I am so sorry you are going thru this very difficult time.

Juls said...

....wow... you got me with this one. I totally "get" this...and I couldn't have said it better myself.. Hang in there!

Eudae-Mamia said...

It's 9:30 CST and I'm hitting the rack. I was hoping to catch another post by you, but no go.

I hope tomorrow dawns a little brighter. E

Liz (Loving Mom 2 Boys) said...

I think about this sometimes - all the hurt that we see, its all so exposed and raw, especially in this digital age. Sometimes I wonder if it is like a car wreck - is it our morbid curiosity that brings us to follow, to read and comment - or is it truly out of care and concern and a desire to support.

But I never cease to be amazed by the strength that I see in these lives struck - and the beauty that comes from this virtual community that rallies around these families in need.

I can't even imagine the weight that you carry on your heart and mind. But I do come here (like so many others) not to see a train wreck - but to visit a [new] friend and offer my support - even if it is in a few {too many} rambling words.

You are in my thoughts and prayers and I hope the words of your faithful commenters do give you some support tonight.

Vodka Mom said...

I am praying for you right now. I am sending you strength and love.

please know that we ALL are.

debbie

IB said...

I came here from VodkaMom's place. It's my first visit. I am impressed with how well you are able to communicate such personal thoughts and feelings. I am also impressed with your friends here in the comment section; some really great people sending you love. I'll add my best wishes in and hope it helps.
Peace

Lisa said...

yes xx

margie said...

take this day for what it is. if you are able to keep at bay these days of sadness and sorrow, fearing what will be and yet occasionally one of them slips through and hits you in the face. it is what it is. you will move on. to a better day, with your son. only good wishes to you.

dana said...

Blogland= people who leave a comment just for the sake of seeing their name on another blog, hoping for readers.

BlogBOND= those who have gotten to know the REAL you. The one inside who is trying to live outside herself in the REAL world.

You have more BlogBONDS here than BlogLAND people. It goes deeper than one can grasp.

Those of us who truly WILL be there in a heartbeat, as fast as a plane can fly, (if needed) are here. Today. Now. Trust us.

bernthis said...

came here from Vodka Mom. I am a mother as well and I admit I have a hard time knowing what to say except that we are all moms and we feel your pain but we are here for you when you need us, always

midlifeslices said...

I just discovered your blog and had to do some reading to catch up. My heart breaks for you and your family. I'm going through something heart breaking in my family too, but haven't had the guts to post about it.....yet. Your courage is inspiring.

Tiaras and Tantrums said...

. . . I totally get this mood . . . I had to walk away form blogging last month for a bit . . . too much sadness . . . sorrow . . . just really broke my heart . . .

angie said...

I wish that I had read this on the day that you were feeling low. I think you are a pretty amazing mother, friend and blogger and I'm always here to listen.....be touched by your words and "hold your hand". :)

Kacey R. said...

Oh Deb. You said everything in this post that I have been feeling lately.

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