Tuesday, November 25, 2008

For the 1st Panic Attack of Christmas, My In-Laws Gave to Me...

I really am trying to change. I fully acknowledge my grinchiness and want to do better. But when my mother-in-law called to say she wanted to send us a Turducken for Thanksgiving, I was beside myself. This just had complete nightmare written all over it.

First, I'd be quite okay with a quick run through the Taco Bell drive thru for Thanksgiving dinner. I figure as long as we ate in the (rarely used) dining room, it'd be fine. And before you get all up in my grillz, we would, of course, finish with a lovely, homemade pumpkin pie.

Second, I cannot stand seeing food go to waste. This is my problem with the whole turkey dinner extravaganza. Nobody in my house likes turkey as much as they claim to, and I bet if you really thought about it, you don't like it all that much either. Face it... It's a very thinly veiled excuse to pig out on stuffing, sweet potato casserole, and cream cheese mashed potatoes. All the good stuff gets eaten, while the big, pasty, DRY bird that took all week to thaw, four hours to cook, and 1 hour to carve gets kicked to the curb. And don't start with the whole turkey salad sandwiches and turkey noodle soup. Not going to happen.

After some cajoling by Mr. Festive (more like Mr. Non-Confrontational mama's boy), I acquiesced. I figured anyone serving a Turducken for Thanksgiving has to be festive (or certifiable, I suppose). And Lord knows, we can't upset the mother-in-law. But I did have strict conditions that had to be met...

I was assured that it would be a) SMALL b) boneless and c) FULLY cooked. It very briefly seemed like a dream come true. Maybe this Turducken was a little gift from heaven, giving me a tiny boost toward jolliness. I wouldn't have tons and tons of extra turkey that no one eats and I would just have to heat it, instead of having to go through the trauma of thawing/overcooking/undercooking. Easy.

Well, well, well... The package arrived a few days ago. Luckily it was very cold outside, so I just ignored its presence, leaving it on the porch until my husband got home. We opened it together, and what to our wondering eyes should appear?

A FIFTEEN pound, FROZEN, completely UNCOOKED (as in RAW) Turducken with little things that look suspiciously like bones in it. Oh, and with the wrong stuffing.

Everyone (besides me) is just thrilled and can't wait to eat the stupid bird (or birds, shall I say?). It has been thawing for days, and is still very frozen. I am soldiering on... trying to keep from ripping apart anyone and anything within reach. My neck is a little stiff, my jaw is extremely sore and I am PMSing like a fiend. Other than that... life is just peachy.

15 comments:

iheartbowheads.blogspot.com said...

ok that post really made me laugh!!!!!

Kristina P. said...

We're probably going out to eat. Taco Bell doesn't sound too bad!

The Mommy said...

Omigosh Deb! I had to read that to my husband, and look up what a Turducken was. As I almost vomited in my mouth, my husband thought it looked "off the hook" (mouthwatering, in other words). If I had to cook that thing, I'd purposely mess it up so we HAD to eat the good stuff and go get a roasted chicken from Safeway. :) ~hugs!~ Thanksgiving is almost over hun. Then it's off to chop down a tree!!!! :)

stefanie said...

You're so funny even when you're pmsing...

I had to wikipedia turducken because I had no idea what it was, and I have to say - Ew. It does not make me hungry.

Good thing for stuffing. You know, the bread variety, not the nested poultry variety. Now that I think about it, if I were creative I would market those babushka nesting dolls in a turducken theme.

Meet me at taco bell?

Denise said...

Eat some chocolate, drink some wine and then tell hubby your mom can cook the stupid turducken when she comes over on Thanksgiving. UGH.

Tony said...

OMG turducken? I thought you had moved past this nightmare. What is for Christmas rocky mt. oysters? You're killing me with the grinchiness...Drink wine lots of wine.

Brenda Jean said...

Oh Deb-- wacked hormones and a turducken--that's just wrong. So, I assume your husband is cooking this thing? Come on, it sounds something he should do, along with buying you wine and chocolate. He SO owes you one on this. We are going to my parents Thursday afternoon, then inlaws on Friday night til Sunday. I'm overjoyed. Really. Can't see you it on my face? I expect a pic of these birds by the way:)

DysFUNctional Mom said...

It would be a shame if that thing grew legs and walked out of the fridge and just kept on going down the road......

Elaine A. said...

Someone just explained to me the other day what a Turducken is. Can we say overkill?

And does it gobble, does it quack, does it cock-a-doodle-doo? I'm so confused...

Lindsay said...

I'm with you on the turkey. I'm not really a huge fan unless it's the dark meat (which of course is what everyone wants). It is really good, though, when fried. Especially the skin :) I actually prefer ham.

You've got my mouth watering with thoughts of Thursday's sweet potato casserole...

I can't wait to eat....

Wendyburd1 said...

Aw Deb!! That sucks big time! First you are right I don't like turkey much (I do like casserole using turkey cold cut meat) that is why (we go to Aunt Maureens for T-Day) for OUR at home Thankgiving I bought a chicken, I LOVE chicken...my Dad got all NOOO and bought a bloody $18 turkey, claimed since the turkey breasts were the same price, we HAD to get the whole bird. Now we have 2 birds for our little home meal on Sat or Sunday...our oven ain't that big!! Aagghh. But I am thankful it is not a turducken...I don't eat duck...or birds stuffed with other birds....iiiiiiccckkk!

ComfyMom~Stacey said...

I'm not really wild about turkey personally, though I love a good turkey, stuffing & cranberry sandwich the next day. Just the one though. The turducken has always sounded interesting to me, but I simply cannot imagine having to cook such a thing. I just can't see how the chicken inside can be cooked to a safe temperature & still leave the turkey outside at all edible.

imbeingheldhostage said...

That's hilarious! I guess not from your point of view, but I enjoyed it. I actually LOVE the turkey. I'm a little afraid of a Turducken...

Aria said...

OMG First of all who ever came up with Turducken needs to be strung up naked over a fire-ant hill covered in honey. Secondly, how ANYONE would think that a Turducken could possibly constitute a GIFT needs to be admitted to the nearest mental institution and given large doses of lithium. I think it's totally fair to let you put on the CD of Applause--on repeat all day tomorrow for having to cook and SMELL one of those monstrosities... Hope you have a great day anyway...

Kelli @ Gohn Crazy said...

Oh my goodness! *LOL* Taco Bell sounds marvelous compared to that.