For the 1st Panic Attack of Christmas, My In-Laws Gave to Me...

I really am trying to change. I fully acknowledge my grinchiness and want to do better. But when my mother-in-law called to say she wanted to send us a Turducken for Thanksgiving, I was beside myself. This just had complete nightmare written all over it.

First, I'd be quite okay with a quick run through the Taco Bell drive thru for Thanksgiving dinner. I figure as long as we ate in the (rarely used) dining room, it'd be fine. And before you get all up in my grillz, we would, of course, finish with a lovely, homemade pumpkin pie.

Second, I cannot stand seeing food go to waste. This is my problem with the whole turkey dinner extravaganza. Nobody in my house likes turkey as much as they claim to, and I bet if you really thought about it, you don't like it all that much either. Face it... It's a very thinly veiled excuse to pig out on stuffing, sweet potato casserole, and cream cheese mashed potatoes. All the good stuff gets eaten, while the big, pasty, DRY bird that took all week to thaw, four hours to cook, and 1 hour to carve gets kicked to the curb. And don't start with the whole turkey salad sandwiches and turkey noodle soup. Not going to happen.

After some cajoling by Mr. Festive (more like Mr. Non-Confrontational mama's boy), I acquiesced. I figured anyone serving a Turducken for Thanksgiving has to be festive (or certifiable, I suppose). And Lord knows, we can't upset the mother-in-law. But I did have strict conditions that had to be met...

I was assured that it would be a) SMALL b) boneless and c) FULLY cooked. It very briefly seemed like a dream come true. Maybe this Turducken was a little gift from heaven, giving me a tiny boost toward jolliness. I wouldn't have tons and tons of extra turkey that no one eats and I would just have to heat it, instead of having to go through the trauma of thawing/overcooking/undercooking. Easy.

Well, well, well... The package arrived a few days ago. Luckily it was very cold outside, so I just ignored its presence, leaving it on the porch until my husband got home. We opened it together, and what to our wondering eyes should appear?

A FIFTEEN pound, FROZEN, completely UNCOOKED (as in RAW) Turducken with little things that look suspiciously like bones in it. Oh, and with the wrong stuffing.

Everyone (besides me) is just thrilled and can't wait to eat the stupid bird (or birds, shall I say?). It has been thawing for days, and is still very frozen. I am soldiering on... trying to keep from ripping apart anyone and anything within reach. My neck is a little stiff, my jaw is extremely sore and I am PMSing like a fiend. Other than that... life is just peachy.