Thursday, November 20, 2008

The 12 Panic Attacks of Christmas: A Series

Ugh, the holidays. Rapidly approaching, already bringing with them mild indigestion and fitful sleep. I hate the holidays, as awful as that sounds, but I think, for good reason. I don't hate the holidays because of what they represent. I am all for giving thanks for my abundant life, celebrating the birth of Jesus, ringing in another glorious year. Yes, I may be a Grinch, but I am certainly no sociopath.  

It all comes down to this: I hate the holidays because of the anxiety they produce. And unlike all you roller coaster fanatics, I really don't care for the taste of vomit in the back of my throat, and white-knuckle, stomach-dropping fear. 

So in my effort to confront my neuroses head on, I am introducing a series of blog posts, entitled, "The 12 Panic Attacks of Christmas". Sure, there are probably more than 12 issues associated with the holidays that induce panic within, but I'll try to stick with the biggies. And give me credit for trying to be festive in my kvetching. 

My plan is to intersperse my 12 panic attack posts throughout the holiday season, just to keep you jolly souls grounded in reality. And maybe if all goes according to plan, before we hit #12, I will somehow be miraculously cured and by the time Christmas rolls around, I'll be baking cookies and playing Scrabble with hateful relatives with the best of 'em.

So feel free to commiserate, judge, or console. I totally get that there will be some of you that think I am out of my mind and others will be saying, "Amen, sister". But I just have to give this a try, because I have faith in this blogging process and I know I am going to learn a lot (or become an isolated pariah).

First up, Turducken. If you don't know what I am talking about, look it up and be ready to help.


Jay @halftime lessons said...


Lady, I couldnt agree more.

Blood red moon.
Four horsemen.

Brenda Jean said...

Yea, I know what it is, and I don't get it. Never have. Deb, we will get through these holidays...really, it might not even hurt that much. The key is denial and ignoring things or people who bug you. BAHAHAhAHAHA

Eudea-Mamia said...

Is that where you shove the can of beer up the turkey's hoohaa?

Oh wait - that's turDrunken.

Sorry, my bad.

"Amen sister!"


Anonymous said...

Haha! I look forward.

My husband wants to experience turducken. I will pass.

Kristina P. said...

OK, who actually makes Turducken? No, seriously. I have never had it, nor do I know anyone who has.

But, I did see it on Iron Chef, so I'm sure it's delicious. You're just a Bobby Flay hater!!!

Tony said...

Turducken. NOT a chance in hell or earth.As a former pantry chef it is over rated. I used to love the Holidays but slowly I am with you. My 8yr old asked Santa for an Apple laptop this year. OMG that thing costs more than what I would spend on everything. Any advice? Stress is buiding.

Sandra Foyt said...

OMG! Had never heard of it before, and could've gone on quite well with out ever hearing of it. NO, NO, No

Every year there is some new turkey must do: fry it, overnight it in saline, etc., etc.

Can't handle one more thing!

As it is, I'm packing up the Suburban with outgrown stuff for my sister's kids, and driving from NY to FL, stopping in NC to pick up a package from my grandmother, will then spend several days in a house crammed with family flying in from CA, USVI, WDC, and who knows where else...

Turducken, forget about it, I've got a zillion other reasons to panic.

Thanks for opening up the vent, I'm totally with you on this one!

jsprik said...

uuummm....that's just wrong!!! i had never heard of it before , so i looked it up...again wrong...

Beadiful Things said...

Around this house, we call it turfucken ('scuse the bad language). We had it once (husband insisted). Once. And never again.

I'm pretty sure I'm going to be high-fiving you on all 12 Panic Attack posts. :-)

angie said...

I had to look it up. Looks complicated.

Last year I had a few posts about being a grinch at Christmas and being totally stressed out all the time (even though I love the IDEA of the holidays). So, I'm going to be commiserating with you. Big time.

Lindsay said...

I'm more fly by the seat of my pants when it comes to the holidays, so I don't get too stressed. However, when I listen to my mom go on and on about Christmas shopping it starts to get to me. For the last time, Mom, I still don't know what I want for Christmas!

I think I'd like to try a turducken, but I definitely won't make the effort. That's for my Iron Chef husband to do if he ever gets the fancy :)

Denise said...

I have been dodging the turducken bullet for years since Hubby REALLY wants to try one...ugh.

Bring on the Panic attacks....Im ready to experience all of them.

Wendyburd1 said...

Ohmigosh Turducken sounds disgusting!! Ehhhhh!
I love Christmas time, but it is a bad time of the year at the same time. I too, get really stressed and anxious, plus my other reason is a post I have been working on. It made me cry so I put a pic of a tissue box on the top, LOL. I want it to be after Turkey Day though before I post it.
So If I can still enjoy the holidays, you can too! I can't wait to read these 12 Panic Attacks though. I had my first last night about X-Mas...stinkin traditions!!

The Mommy said...

I'm... well, if I knew you and we lived near each other, I'd torture you with holiday bliss. :) That's all I can say. lol But I am looking forward to these 12 panics :)