Thursday, December 11, 2008

The Sordid Truth

You people give me way too much credit. It is very sweet that you are so willing to bestow upon me the benefit of the doubt... My absence being due to a busy life, and what not. Well, congratulations... You're all 0 for 1.

Let's examine what I have been doing/have accomplished since my last post (and not the guilty rambling one, and not the Mission:Monday one, which is really Jay posing as me), roughly a week ago.

1) Trying to nurse the lizard back to health. And no, this is not an euphemism for something inappropriate. I literally have been providing hospice care for my son's sick leopard gecko. Gently dropping tiny bits of water on his parched mouth... Fervently waving mealworms in front of him, while trying to suppress my gag reflex... Rearranging his little rocks. Surely the end is near. I really can't take much more "caregiving". 

2) Observing my hair at various stages of cleanliness, preparing to lay out a thoughtful, well-balanced argument for cutting my hair. Or for NOT cutting it. 

3) Feeding my family Taco Bell every chance I get. 

4) Indiscriminately eating obscene amounts of sugar. I have become a sugar slut... Shoving pop-tarts (UN-toasted, no less) and zebra cakes down my gullet, washing them down with whole milk (because I have run out of skim, yet can't seem to find the time to get to the store).

And now, a three day swim meet looms large... So I will go sit in a hot, chlorine-filled facility with 900 of my closest annoying friends, listening to them live vicariously through their children. They will go on and on about how hard their kids train, their kids' special suits, their kids' special diets, and their kids' special specialness, while my child may or may not sink to the bottom of the pool. I am crossing my fingers that my People and US Weekly are waiting in my mailbox, so I can stick my nose in them and ignore the world. Oh, and I should probably charge my iPod.


20 comments:

Kristina P. said...

Ha! I love the term "sugar slut."

Jay @halftime lessons said...

a 3 day swim meet?? they got interne access? holy beatdown batman...

angi_b72 said...

Taco Bell is my favorite!!!

Soxy Deb said...

Well I guess you showed us! We wont make that mistake again - lol!

Eudea-Mamia said...

I ate 5 white fudge covered Oreos for lunch.

I'm such a sugar slut too - maybe we should get a pimp and make some money while we're at it?

Em

Tony said...

you know where to find sympathy. what an Idiot I was to give the bennefit of the doubt. That is off the table. Enjoy the 3 day chlorine one up fest. I hope the young man kicks ass!!!

angie said...

Where are those pictures of the hair so we can tell you if you should cut it or not?

I know that this is totally beside the point, but I ADORE your prose. You know how some just speaks to you? Well, your does to me. So I'm never going away. How's that for crossing blog stalking lines?

Jenni Jiggety said...

special specialness! LOL!

Kelli @ Gohn Crazy said...

Mmmmm zebra cakes - and untoasted is so much better than toasted anyway. ;)

Tenakim said...

oh crap- I tghought I was the only one that had a zebra cake problem!!!

jill jill bo bill said...

Oh good. Because I was thinking we were soul mates until you faked us all out with all the family-ish love and devotion and house making. Then I panicked and gasp! We are NOT soul mates because I am JUST NOW unpacking from my cruise. Now after I find out you WEREN'T scrubbing baseboards and cooking 19 course meals and I have fallen in love with you all over.

Lee the MWOB Queen said...

Sounds busy to me....gecko caring and pop tart shoving? That takes TIME lady....it all does.

good luck with the annoying swim people...

Young Momma said...

I'm so glad I'm not the only sugar slut out there. I've been downing soda and cookies (which my husband so willingly continues to throw in the oven, batch by batch) and then snooping and eating the DIBs my MIL brought and hid in my freezer. ~sigh~ I hate the Holidays!

Good luck to you AND your son during the swim meet! ;)

Wendyburd1 said...

I could go for a soft taco and a bean burrito no onions, but extra cheese and red sauce...I am hungry I think.

Brenda Jean said...

Hi, I'm Brenda and I'm a sugar slut. BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA Oh Deb, again we find we are kindred spirits in the land of sugar. It solves everything you know. I don't know what to say about the swim meet. It sounds like, well, torture.

Taco Bell is awesome. I know it shouldn't be, but it is.

I have no advice about the lizard. I'm kind of speechless about it.

Straight to Your Hart said...

Un-toasted pop tarts??!! Now that's taking it tooo far...giggle. I have totally been pimpin the sugar lately too.

Daughter was sad the other day...OOooo time to make chocolate chip cookies..mind you the pre made kind for the sake of time. Coke not from the tap..that's a sin..I-V style all the way.

Can you tell I am rambling...tooo much sugar!!

How is the Lizard?? Good luck at the swim meet (I wish I could sink..a little top heavy if ya know what I'm sayin)! Crap...I've got to shut up!!

Beadiful Things said...

If you're gonna indulge in the sugar, at least make it good! I recommend Dove bars. The littlest ones (milk chocolate, of course) go for 200 a pop. That's only about 17 minutes on the elliptical trainer! (Should I be embarrassed that I just revealed that I do math like that?)

Beadiful Things said...

That's 200 calories, btw, though I think my meaning was probably made clear by my followup comments. Dur. I'm still recovering from some kind of awful Dengue Fever and my brain's not working like it should.

Beadiful Things said...

I'm this close to becoming the blog comment version of Jon Favreau in Swingers.....

Tiaras and Tantrums said...

FUNNY! I say charge the Ipod!! and just smile and nod!