Thursday, October 15, 2009

Home-Grown Terror

My life tends to run at only two speeds... boring and slow, to the point of mental and physical degeneration, or hypersonic overdrive, feeling overwhelmed and pulled in a thousand opposite directions, making me want to veer off the nearest (and highest) bridge.

So guess which one is my life of late ? Well, since it's not August, it must be the second one. Here's what's on my plate... if anyone can help me figure out how to remain calm, cool and ever so collected, I will write you into my will (which is currently in the red, BTDubs).

1) Father-in-law in hospital. Nothing too horrible, but the man is approaching 90, and he's the healthy one of the bunch. Not a good scene, and part of the reason we do NOT reside in Texas, while the rest of our extended family remains IN Texas.

2) Husband feeling the guilt of being 2,000 miles away from sick dad and needy relatives, and is sort of roaming around in a funk, which is worsened by...

3) Husband just got glasses for the first time (bifocals, to boot) and they are messing with his psyche. I am not good at doling out the TLC, and that is really what he needs. Hey, join the club, mister.

4) Magazine fundraiser at school has been extended for yet another week. Have I mentioned I am in charge?

5) Holiday crap displayed, and crowd-worsening detected, in Target. And you all know what kind of downward spiral/mania this induces. In fact, I am seeing stars and feeling nauseous just thinking about it. Must find a new approach to the holidays this year. Can't deal with Turducken, panic, advent calendars, relatives, and the extra 20 lbs ever again.

6) Dog has a partial tear of her ACL. No, she's not a professional football player. However, she may need to become one to cover her veterinary bill.

7) Kids are hacking and sneezy and semi-sick, but not to the fun point, where they lie silently in bed, drifting in and out of consciousness. They are cranky and annoying, and way too active. Am left with no choice but to try to sneak them back into school. Have vowed not to answer the phone, should I get a call from school.

8) The stupid lizard appears to be ill. If he dies, this will be the second lizard we have had to bury in a year. I am not a good lizard nurse and may need to put Dr. Kevorkian on speed dial... Maybe I can get a group discount.


Sera said...

Dang, woman! This is a heck of a lot. I am right there with you on the two speeds of life, and when you're in this fast lane you speak of, it frickin' sucks. I'd rather have the no news is good news thing and skate along in a boring, non-exciting little life any day than to have those types of things going on. And, it looks like I won't be making it into your will because I have no idea what would make any of it better, but hey - at least blogging can be cathartic, right? I know chocolate tends to be my temporary fix to such things. Maybe try some of that. Thinking of you!

Denise @ Sunflowers, Chocolate and Little Boys said...

Your list sucks. And I can't help with any of it except for moral support and to let you know that I had a pet iguana named Bobo. he was a spoiled little lizard who I had to spoonfeed warm banana baby food. And when it cooled down he wouldnt eat until I warmed it up again. I suck at saying no....even to an iguana, so me telling you to say no to the next school fundraiser would be SO hypocritical.

But if you need a place to hide out until all this blows over....let me know. We have a pull out couch you can crash on!

Harlene said...

Have you seen that new show "The Middle"? Eerie how REAL it is!

Father in Law- send your love, continue to grateful you live out of state! Is that terrible?

Husband in funk-Sex, obvious I know, but they really are still 17 emotionally!

Almost sick kids- Dramamine, lots, tell them it's Steroids or Crack, whatever works, and then rent a movie while they snooze!

Love you!

Nel said...

SHOOT! are some solutions.

You and your husband should come to Texas to visit Father In Law and family members. While you are here, swing by Houston (where I am), drop your children off to me, and send you husband to get LASIK.

As for the lizard, have you tried giving him any tylenol? THAT WAS A JOKE. DO NOT DO THAT!

Hmmmm what else? OH! I know what will cure everything! Four bottles of WINE! Or tequila.

michelle said...

Since you can't lose hubby, kids, or in-laws, lose the fundraisers. I hate that s*#t. Lose Target too. And holidays. We have a turtle that I absolutely hate, but can't bring myself to lose it. The pets have to stay.

Sassy Britches said...

Two words for you: Solo vacation. Seriously, run screaming in the opposite direction.

HOWEVER, since I know that's probably not a possibility at this juncture, I'd suggest exactly Harlene's prescription plus making the time (and you have to actually do it!) to carve out some little bits of "me" time to relax and recharge so that you don't off somebody, either in Target or your own household (although it does seem as though the lizard could use it, so win-win).

Evolving Mommy Catherine said...

Yikes Deb!

You really don't live near your in-laws? Really? Wow, I am in total awe of you right now. First you tell me you feed your family oatmeal for dinner and now you say you don't live near family, wow.

So I don't have any advice besides hang in there, things will slow down before you know it.

Em said...

Aww - girlie, I'm so sorry for the stress.

Is it ok to say that I don't like your extended family because they keep you out of Texas? That's ok, right? Hope FIL gets on the road to recovery soon though.

I'm going to have to go with Harlene on this as far as Hubs goes - sex - it's the gift that keeps on giving, if you're a man. Take one for the team Deb.

And the lizard? That dude would already be enjoying the swirling water tunnel of death by now. You know how I feel about emphibians.


I just heard Obama is coming to College Station tomorrow. Dare me?

Anonymous said...

Might I suggest the most delicious and powerful elixir of life?

A Diet Dr. Pepper.

Take time out for a DDP! If you're feeling really wild give it to the sick kiddos! Let your husband read the can with his new glasses, that'll keep his mind off of other too sad and serious stuff.

I tell ya, you can't go wrong with a DDP.

But, in case that doesn't work (gasp of horror), howz about some good thoughts and vibes being sent your way?

Maybe I'll just try that. *smile*


Nobody's Girl said...

Gah! When it rains it truly pours, sister. I am SO sorry! I will help in whatever way I can? :(

AmyLK said...

Wine, Lots and Lots of Wine. Red, White, Pink, doesn't matter. Just don't give it to the kids. The child welfare people might not like that.

Hang in there. It will slow down soon.

Under the Influence said...

My husband is 5 years older than I am and I AM THE ONE WITH BIFOCALS, for 3 years now. He just puts his glasses on his forehead to read. Tell your husband that's his other option and let him know that's about as far as you'll go for empathy/sympathy/support regarding the glasses issue!

Brenda Jean said...

Deb, Deb, are in CHARGE? Can't you delegate? In the future be sure to chant to yourself "I will not volunteer to be charge".

As far as your husband-tell him he looks hot in the glasses and they make you want to have sex. For the guilt- give him beer or wine, or beer and wine.

Holiday stuff in stores? No way, I refuse to see it. It's not there. I live in my own little world where I see what I want to, so you just keep it to yourself:)

Dog and lizard? I got nothing.

mama-face said...

How weird is it that I can relate to almost every thing your list. FIL very ill, no one sick enough to stay in bed; only sick enough to whine. (Including me.), um...I wear glasses.
See, we have so much in common. Oh yes, must not forget...we had one lizard die and another is about to go.

spooky. You have got to be tired of me saying how much alike we are. bahahaha :)

Ann's Rants said...

Dear Lord,


(hermiting until January)

Seriously though, sorry for the crapstorm.


Jenners said...

I can relate ... it is either feast or famine in my life. I just got done with a busy bad time so now I'm in a boring good time. I like it now. Give the poor hubby some sympathy ... it is easy and free and will make you feel better. Perhaps you can send him to Texas to feel better? The lizard ... well, hard for me to feel about a lizard. I find them icky. The dog? Ai-yi-yi. The kids? I hate when they are sick but not to the point of resting all the time. Ugh. And Target? Yes...they are SO in violation of Early Holiday Shoving Down Our Throats. Avoid at all costs.

Well, I'm not much help am I? Just hang in there ... soon it will be slow and boring again.

CaJoh said...

Do you think that your kids got their cold from the lizard???

But even if you are faced with so many challenges, I know that you are one of those strong individuals who will overcome any obstacles that may stand in your way.

I think I have a hard time switching gears. When I'm in high-gear with many things happening at once, when it all ends I don't know what to do to fill my time.

kyslp said...

For a minute there I thought I had written this some timea ago and forgotten about it. You sound like me!

I have given up on holiday mania. I can't compete with all these Martha Stewartites and I'm not trying this year. It is very freeing.

Sweet Annabelle said...

Well, I'm reaching for an anti-depressant just reading this post! Hope it gets better?!

Tenakim said...

I've worn glasses since I was in 4th grade. My husband is 45 and just also got bifocals- END OF DAYS!

I get your stress, girl... just run away to the web and we can keep each other sane or talk to each other while we get wasted- which ever!

Tony@ That One Paticular Harbor said...

Hi Deb my dear friend. I feel your pain. I forget which city I am in lately. The other noght I signed my room servie bill using the room number I had while in Pittsburgh 2 days earlier. I literally sat down on the couch last night upon returning from the airport to listen to my beautiful daughter tell me a story about her week and found myself in a totally catatonic state. I could hear her but I swear I was sound asleep. I felt so bad. I miss you and hope God Blesses you to lower the stress level to Haggen Das and a couch.

Tiaras said...

well, I could go down my list - but yours is funnier! My kids are sick as dogs - puking all over me - want that?

Missy said...

I heard that two dead lizards in one year is bad luck! LOL
Hope things get better soon!