Friday, June 5, 2009

5 Things That Could Kill Me

There have been many autobiographical obituary posts floating around the blog scene, and that got me thinking... If I were to, let's say, hypothetically, end up dead, what would be the cause? 

Way back in my youth, I was sure it would be homicide. I was very diligent about letting someone know if I had gotten into any sort of altercation with anyone, so if/when I wound up murdered in cold blood, they would know at whom to point the finger.

Now, however, in my old age, I can see my demise realistically occurring in a few other ways:

1. Splenda poisoning. It's everywhere.
2. Adult acne. Maybe it's a side effect of all the Splenda I'm ingesting, but it is only getting worse as I age. Gross.
3. Mauled and eaten by the lizard that lives upstairs.
4. Lack of Flossing. Am I the only one terrified by the repercussions of dental hygiene laziness? I've read articles that link tartar buildup to everything from Alzheimer's to obesity.
5. Homicide. My old standby. I can't rule it out, as I am still so good at enraging just about anyone.


30 comments:

Ann Onymous said...

I hear ya on the adult acne. It's so unfair.

Kristina P. said...

I can do the lack of flossing one. Sadly.

Pseudonymous High School Teacher said...

My daughter, a college sophmore, spent an hour last week regaling me with the many ill effects of the main ingredient in splenda...

Snarky A. said...

Have you seen that dentist commercial, where the chick asks the dentist guy:

"Ok, if I don't take care of my teeth, how likely is it that they will all fall out?"

And the dentist guy responds:

"100%"

I laugh my ass off every time, but really, it is not funny.

Denise @ Sunflowers, Chocolate and Little Boys said...

Wow....all that splenda in my morning decaf is the reason I am fat and cant remember anything?!?! Cool! Now I have a good excuse to go back to yummy tasting sugar.

I love your list, even though it is kinda creepy to think of ways you could die.

Em said...

OK seriously, why does it say you posted this on Friday!?

Adult acne is so wrong on so many levels - how can I have a zit on top of a wrinkle?

The flossing thing, yeah, scares the hell out of me. But do you think I do it? I'm such a dental rebel :-)

BenLand said...

you crack me up :)

please don't ever stop blogging!!

Lee of MWOB said...

I could think of a couple other things that could kill you but I won't list them here for fear of uh, getting you killed.

:-)

Straight to Your Hart said...

Um...the whole acne thing is just not right!! I woke up last week with planets growing on my face..WTH?! Leave me the crap alone, as if having in my teens wasn't bad enough.

Can I add one to the list...My husbands skunk in his trunk. Sorry I know that sounds bad. But if they had a fart off contest...he would blow (tehe) all of them outta the water. It's a family trait passed on. Sad, sick and very smelly:( Would that count in the homicide catagory?...LOL

Soxy Deb said...

Well, you haven't pissed me off yet, but the das still young. Let's give it a shot!

Mine would be 'accidental' slitting of the wrists with a large knife, because I swear to god all I do is DISHES! Does no one else effing live here!!

Jenn@ The Crazies said...

I have a splenda affection too... and mine would be lack of flossing!!

Sally's World said...

for me, probably homicide, I'm always on some crusade or another, i hear people sigh when they know its me on the other end of the phone, they are dreaded words within our local council/education department/hospital...'it's Deion's mum 'LOL!'

CaJoh said...

I never gave it much thought. I'm more focused on what I would do at my wake and what to do with that odd thing called a body.

I always think that I will somehow track down my enemies and invite them to a special funeral so that they can say just why they hate me.

Then I figured that I would have my bones preserved and mounted at the last university I worked at… I know pretty morbid, but it may just save on having to buy a plot.

Jenni Jiggety said...

Yep...zits and plaque will be the death of me as well...

kel said...

oh, the Splenda one!! I'm the same way!!

Wendyburd1 said...

I so suck at flossing, I really need to improve, I am trying, sorta. I LOVE Splenda! As a Diabetic it is my saving grace!! I can't drink anything carbonated or high in sugar so it is Koolaid made with Splenda and it is delish!!

{Katie Lane} said...

Haha!! I'll have to be on the lookout :)

chickadee@afamiliarpath said...

why oh why must we have acne all our lives? i really hoped it would be gone by 40. at this rate i'll have wrinkles and acne together.

Quirkyloon said...

I vote for a burning car wreck that way they can't see how I didn't floss enough!

Ha!

Annie said...

Your list is so short. Lucky.
I could write a top 100 surely.

Sera said...

I'm a fan of Splenda myself, but it's amazing the people who come out of te woodwork telling you it's going to cause cancer. I just ignore it. Whatever. And, I can't remember the last time I flossed. Truly, since becoming a mom, I sometimes forget about my teeth at night. And the zits? What a cruel, cruel joke of nature to play on us. Seriously. It was traumatizing enough when I was 12.

Jenners said...

Oh I love this!! Since I already prewrote my obituary (at Mama Kat's commaand) why not list my potential death options? Though I'm much sweeter than you ... I'm sure I'd never be murdered in cold blood! Haha!

stefanie said...

The lizard seems the most interesting way to go.

Love how you came full circle on this.

Tiaras and Tantrums said...

hee hee - I'll stick with sweet n low AND I NEVER floss!! and the acne thing - it is KILLING me too - and my wallet!

Bee and Rose said...

I think I may be a lack of flossing victim as well....ooops...

Sadly, I too may fall victim to the adult acne killer as well....

Lindsay said...

Hehe, what a hilarious list! You're not the only one afraid of the tooth care thing. My dad is a huge dental-phobe, and I worry about him all the time.

Brenda Jean said...

I may have to steal this blog idea from you-- what fun!! That's kind of sick that I find a blog about your death fun isn't it? Because I don't want you to die. It would be a bummer to say the least. Unless we time it out so we die at the same time, then I won't be around to be bummed. BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

mama-face said...

I knew it was the splenda making me fat and now I find out it's killing me. I knew it was just too good to be true. dang.

You would think the human race would have died out long ago if flossing were really that important. Yet another thing to feel guilty about.

A Woman Of No Importance said...

Homicide for me, thanks! Great post! ;)

♥ Kenlie ♥ said...

Hmmm, interesting post...I'm laughing. Hehe